Oh, What a Year

Here it is, New Years Eve. A time to look back on the year that is ending and to look forward to the new year.  What was 2011 like for you?

For me, 2011 was a year of change.  I lost my job, a job I had been with for about 7 1/2 years. I job I hated more than anything. A job that made me physically and mentally ill. I kid you not, that job almost killed me. But, it was a job.  I'm unemployed. I've applied for job after job. I've had interview after interview. Sometimes I hear back and other times I don't. I'm either over or under qualified.  Ugh. Everytime I think I found something, it falls through.  It has been challenging, to say the least.

I was very sick up through May of this year. I was sick in bed, unable to eat. Unable to function. I lived in the shower- taking showers dozens of times a day.  I avoided people. I avoided friends and family. I started to push Karen away. I almost lost everything.

Then, something happened.  Before hit rock bottom (that happened around Easter), my dad told me, no- ordered me- to get help. My most amazing partner, Karen, went through the phone book and started looking for a new therapist for me.  See, I've been without insurance since July 2010. Sucks. Been turned down by government (federal, state and county) aid for unforeseen reasons (but was told if I had a child I'd be covered. nice.) So, I started calling therapists and asking if they work on a sliding scale, gave them a brief history of my past and my panic and anxiety and my history with therapists in the past.  I found one. She is amazing. She even met with my parents around the time I hit rock bottom.  I see her every week and she is a blessing. Once every 6 weeks or so, she also meets with Karen. To make sure we're on the same page and to get her input and to explain what I'm going through.  Life is slowly getting better.

Then, this fall, I found a small lump in my left breast.  Shit. Not again. (I've already fought cervical and uterine cancer).  So, I found a free clinic (not as easy as you think to find) and went. I had test after test, biopsy after biopsy, mammograms and sonograms. The result? Two small, pea sized tumors Stage I Breast Cancer.  Wow.  I started radiation four days a week right after Thanksgiving.  I put my job search on hold.  Then, I found another lump.  That came up clear.  Then, another lump.  This lump (lump #4) is Stage II Cancer.  So, I now have a stronger dose of radiation and will have about 4 weeks of radiation added on to my treatment. (Originally going about 6 weeks).  The exact dates won't be known until tests are done periodically.

BUT, I haven't been sick in bed since May. (Or was it April? I know April was HELL.) This was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I truly celebrated in about four years. I was able to give gifts the other years but not truly enjoy things. I was able to eat this year!  This was mine and Karen's third Christmas together and it was magical.  I'm looking forward to 2012 and enjoying my birthday for the first time in a long time!

You may be reading this and thinking "Damn, Steph has had a horrible year!"  While it's true, I've also been blessed. I have the most amazing family and friends. I may not have many actual, real life friends, but the ones I do are amazing. Seriously.  I don't measure them in quantity but in quality.  I have an amazing network of online friends who have stuck with me through the years. THANK YOU.  Yes, I want more people to hang out with in day-to-day life, but it will come in time.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I'm learning how to let things go. How to trust myself and others again. I'm learning about my spiritual side. I've started cooking again and am slowly getting back into my photography. I'm becoming a very crafty person.  I'm fighting my depression. I have an amazing therapist and a great psychiatrist who truly care about me. They aren't in it for the money- they want to help people. They are always available and want to help.  I am blessed.

My Karen. Where do I begin?  I will be honest and say I really do not know where I'd be without her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I thank God for her every day. I thank her every day.  It makes me so angry that I can't marry her. Yes, I can go to DC, but I should be able to do it anywhere I want. That's another blog, though.  I will be honest again- she almost left me when I was at my lowest.  Not because she didn't love me, but because I pushed her away so severely. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be near her, I didn't want to do anything, I barely spoke to her. I barely saw her (I was at my parents at the time full time.) I wasn't there so I don't know how it went down, but some friends told her to really think if she wanted to be with me.  Maybe I wasn't the person for her. Only she would be able to answer that. Guess what?  She chose to fight on. She chose to stand by me.  I am blessed. To be fair, I've been there for her, as well. This isn't all "me, me me."  She's been through a lot, as well. Do I get scared and think she will leave me? Yes.  But, I'm getting much better. I'm glad she told me because we truly tell each other everything.

So, that's my year in review. I guess it sounds depressing. But, it's not. I had a good year. My relationship with Karen is the best ever. Things are super tough with me being sick and not working with no money coming in. We don't know where we are going to live. But, we have each other. We have good families and friends. We have God. Don't laugh- I'm getting into God. I've always believed, but I'm learning about the Bible and getting it.

Okay, ramble over.  Peace and joy to all of my friends in the new year. I love you all!