Oh, What a Year

Here it is, New Years Eve. A time to look back on the year that is ending and to look forward to the new year.  What was 2011 like for you?

For me, 2011 was a year of change.  I lost my job, a job I had been with for about 7 1/2 years. I job I hated more than anything. A job that made me physically and mentally ill. I kid you not, that job almost killed me. But, it was a job.  I'm unemployed. I've applied for job after job. I've had interview after interview. Sometimes I hear back and other times I don't. I'm either over or under qualified.  Ugh. Everytime I think I found something, it falls through.  It has been challenging, to say the least.

I was very sick up through May of this year. I was sick in bed, unable to eat. Unable to function. I lived in the shower- taking showers dozens of times a day.  I avoided people. I avoided friends and family. I started to push Karen away. I almost lost everything.

Then, something happened.  Before hit rock bottom (that happened around Easter), my dad told me, no- ordered me- to get help. My most amazing partner, Karen, went through the phone book and started looking for a new therapist for me.  See, I've been without insurance since July 2010. Sucks. Been turned down by government (federal, state and county) aid for unforeseen reasons (but was told if I had a child I'd be covered. nice.) So, I started calling therapists and asking if they work on a sliding scale, gave them a brief history of my past and my panic and anxiety and my history with therapists in the past.  I found one. She is amazing. She even met with my parents around the time I hit rock bottom.  I see her every week and she is a blessing. Once every 6 weeks or so, she also meets with Karen. To make sure we're on the same page and to get her input and to explain what I'm going through.  Life is slowly getting better.

Then, this fall, I found a small lump in my left breast.  Shit. Not again. (I've already fought cervical and uterine cancer).  So, I found a free clinic (not as easy as you think to find) and went. I had test after test, biopsy after biopsy, mammograms and sonograms. The result? Two small, pea sized tumors Stage I Breast Cancer.  Wow.  I started radiation four days a week right after Thanksgiving.  I put my job search on hold.  Then, I found another lump.  That came up clear.  Then, another lump.  This lump (lump #4) is Stage II Cancer.  So, I now have a stronger dose of radiation and will have about 4 weeks of radiation added on to my treatment. (Originally going about 6 weeks).  The exact dates won't be known until tests are done periodically.

BUT, I haven't been sick in bed since May. (Or was it April? I know April was HELL.) This was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I truly celebrated in about four years. I was able to give gifts the other years but not truly enjoy things. I was able to eat this year!  This was mine and Karen's third Christmas together and it was magical.  I'm looking forward to 2012 and enjoying my birthday for the first time in a long time!

You may be reading this and thinking "Damn, Steph has had a horrible year!"  While it's true, I've also been blessed. I have the most amazing family and friends. I may not have many actual, real life friends, but the ones I do are amazing. Seriously.  I don't measure them in quantity but in quality.  I have an amazing network of online friends who have stuck with me through the years. THANK YOU.  Yes, I want more people to hang out with in day-to-day life, but it will come in time.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I'm learning how to let things go. How to trust myself and others again. I'm learning about my spiritual side. I've started cooking again and am slowly getting back into my photography. I'm becoming a very crafty person.  I'm fighting my depression. I have an amazing therapist and a great psychiatrist who truly care about me. They aren't in it for the money- they want to help people. They are always available and want to help.  I am blessed.

My Karen. Where do I begin?  I will be honest and say I really do not know where I'd be without her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I thank God for her every day. I thank her every day.  It makes me so angry that I can't marry her. Yes, I can go to DC, but I should be able to do it anywhere I want. That's another blog, though.  I will be honest again- she almost left me when I was at my lowest.  Not because she didn't love me, but because I pushed her away so severely. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be near her, I didn't want to do anything, I barely spoke to her. I barely saw her (I was at my parents at the time full time.) I wasn't there so I don't know how it went down, but some friends told her to really think if she wanted to be with me.  Maybe I wasn't the person for her. Only she would be able to answer that. Guess what?  She chose to fight on. She chose to stand by me.  I am blessed. To be fair, I've been there for her, as well. This isn't all "me, me me."  She's been through a lot, as well. Do I get scared and think she will leave me? Yes.  But, I'm getting much better. I'm glad she told me because we truly tell each other everything.

So, that's my year in review. I guess it sounds depressing. But, it's not. I had a good year. My relationship with Karen is the best ever. Things are super tough with me being sick and not working with no money coming in. We don't know where we are going to live. But, we have each other. We have good families and friends. We have God. Don't laugh- I'm getting into God. I've always believed, but I'm learning about the Bible and getting it.

Okay, ramble over.  Peace and joy to all of my friends in the new year. I love you all!

Merry Christmas!

I haven't posted anything in a long time. I've been busy getting ready for and enjoying Christmas. Oh what a Christmas it has been. Yes, I'm unemployed. Yes, I'm fighting cancer. BUT this was the best Christmas maybe ever!  The last few years I've been sick in bed for a week or more at a time at least once a year. It hasn't happened since April 2011.  I'm on the comeback.  I have an amazing family behind me. My friends (in real life and online) are amazing. I have the most amazing partner in the world. Seriously, Karen is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I've bought presents, baked, cooked, decorated, looked at Christmas lights and train displays, visited friends and family and have  just been busy. Radiation is wiping me out and I'm trying to take it easy, but that's hard to do.

I hope everyone is allowing themselves to take time for theirselves.  While we've been crazy busy, some of the busy time has been time for US. We have two families to spend time with plus extended families and friends. We made time yesterday between visits to take time for US and just relax and chill for a short time. It's important that we stay connected. Without each other, we would be lost. If I didn't have Karen, I don't know where I'd be.  She's been by my side through so much and I truly thank God for her every day...many times throughout.

Tradition, Tradition!

Definition of TRADITION

1

a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom)b : a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable

2

: the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction

3

: cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions

4

: characteristic manner, method, or style <in the best liberaltradition>

— tra·di·tion·al adjective

— tra·di·tion·al·ly adverb

— tra·di·tion·less adjective

What is a tradition?  Are traditions important to you?  Do you make up your own traditions? What are some of  your traditions?

I'm all about traditions. They make me feel comforted, safe and all around, good!  I have different traditions for various times of the year, but Christmas brings out most of my traditions.  I like to have control over things and the traditions give me that control.

Some of my traditions are from my family and some are traditions that Karen and I are coming up with on our own.

Some of my/our Christmas traditions:

Advent wreath:  I grew up in an active church and the Advent wreath was very important. Each Sunday, a different family did the readings and lit the new candle. We went home and had our own personal wreath for our family.  This year, Karen and I made our own Advent wreath and are doing nightly readings. It's calming to me. We put it together for about $5 which was very pleasing.  I'm not normally a liturgical person, but I'm really enjoying reading the Bible every day for this.  Perhaps it will continue. Here's a picture of our Advent wreath:

Nativity: Karen and I have started collecting nativity sets.   I don't know what it is about them, but we both love them.  We have purchased some, been given some and made some.  We just painted our own set but haven't gotten photos of it yet.  So far, my favorite nativity is this one...

Ornaments: I think most people have a tradition of collecting a special ornament each year. My Aunt Rob (also my Godmother) used to get me an ornament every year. It stopped for a while but Karen and I have started it back up. Sometimes it's dated and other times it's not.  Sometimes they're homemade and other times they're store bought.  They almost always have something to do with a hobby of one of us, come from a special place or sometimes they are just something we like!  This year I'm making some special ornaments to send to good friends.

Movies:  I started to watch the movie Elf a few years ago on Christmas Eve. I love it!  My dad has even been known to jump in and watch.  There are many other movies we watch, including a Christmas Story since TBS has the 24 hour marathon every Christmas.

the Nutcracker: My dad is a Nutcracker fanatic.  His favorite is the American Ballet Theater (pretty sure that's it) version.   Good stuff. He found a marathon on the cable channel Ovation a few years ago and watched it all day long on Christmas Day. I don't think I've ever seen the Nutcracker performed live, though. Some day when we have money I will.

I grew up attending Christmas Eve church services. We had a 5pm family service, a 7pm and 9pm and then an 11pm candlelight service. My favorites were 5pm and 11pm. It was a big deal if you were tapped to serve on the altar during the candlelight service.  The 5pm service was a flurry of activity with lots of loud children. The childrens vocal and hand bell choirs would both perform and I was a member of both.  We had a brass ensemble and an adult choir.  The kids (myself included) would sometimes play our instrument as well. I would play the piano  and we had trumpeters, flutists, violinists and more. It was a great time!

This year, Karen and I have been given the task of getting our congregation to decorate the Jesse Tree at church. We can't do it until December 18, but it's better late than never, right?  We are quite excited about this larger scale craft project!  We plan to do most of the work beforehand, so people simple have to glitter or color their ornaments.  Yay!

I guess my traditions don't really have meaning, but they bring people together and make me feel good. Maybe I'm selfish but that's important to me. I usually have a hard time this time of year.  I think a lot and get depressed. This helps that not to happen.

Fiddler On The Roof - Tradition [With Lyrics]