Thanks

I'm not sure how this is going to come out, but here goes. 

I'm big on thanking people and being thanked. I think it's common courtesy to genuinely thank someone when they do something for you or give you something. It's a way to show you are appreciative of their deed. I was raised that it's the right thing to do and you do it out of respect. It's not difficult nor time consuming to write a simple thank you note.  Heck, get a pack from the Dollar Tree and keep them on hand. If that's not your style, send an email or facebook message. Yes, that's better than nothing and it shows you care. I'm being serious.  We send thank you notes a lot. Not for every Christmas present, but we try to do it for some and all of our birthday presents and other occasions.  

As most of you know, my Karen has been sick with a bad case of bronchitis.  I've been her "nurse" taking care of her as best as I can. Giving her medicine, making her comfortable, taking her to the doctor, giving her space, feeding her, etc.  I haven't gone out of my way to do anything.  Anyway, it's what I do. It's what a partner does. It's what a friend does. It's what a person does for another person.  Yes, she has taken the energy and time out to thank me, when she can barely speak.  I thank her for thanking me but tell her there's no reason for her to thank me.  

Didn't I just say that I'm big on thank yous? When do you need to thank someone? Why do we thank someone?

Do we do things for people just to be thanked?  I'd like to hope that isn't the case, but I'm not sure.

Don't get me wrong- I give gifts to people knowing I won't receive a thank you in return. It doesn't always have to be written- a verbal thank you goes a long way in my book.  But when you get nothing, especially when giving a gift, that really irks me.  

I think I have a set of rules for my loved ones (family and friends) and then a set of rules for "the others." Are you like this?  Do you thank people?

When is enough, enough?

I know several people,  myself included, who are going through hard times right now.  When is enough, enough?  How do you deal with hard times? When do you suck it up and keep telling yourself that others have it worse than you do? When do you give up? Do you ever give up?  Can things really get worse?  How do you react and deal with other people offering advise on your situation?  Are they truly being helpful or are they just being nosy and judgemental?

I have been supported by many many people during my illness and unemployment.  BUT, it does get "old" when people think they're offering help by drilling me about my job hunt.  Job hunting is a full time job. Sometimes I do it online, sometimes I search the paper and sometimes I pound the pavement. I've applied at every kind of job imaginable.  Fast food tells me I'm over qualified and will waste their money by going through the training, working a little bit and quitting when I find a better job.  Office type work tells me I'm not qualified at all. I ask how to gain experience and they can't give me an answer. Retail tells me they're only hiring seasonally and they'll interview me and lead me on and then disappear.

I put a hold on my job hunt while I'm going through radiation. I do have two possible leads, but the one (my dream job) is only temporary.  We will see.  That would be an awesome job. But, it's very short...as in one month or so.  BUT, maybe, just maybe, it could and would leave to a permanent job. It's with the county government and I don't think it's likely because we all know of the budget cuts and hiring freezes.  But, a girl can dream, right?

If I didn't dream, I'd have nothing. Seriously. I keep it realistic but I do dream. I dream of marrying my fiancee wherever we want to get married and not having to go to a different state (heck, DC isn't even a state!) to do it.  I dream of finding a job. Yes, any job. But really a job that I enjoy and that fulfills me. I dream of not being sick. I dream of being able to walk down the street or in the mall or in the grocery store, holding my fiancee's hand without people looking at us. Sometimes the looks really get to me, other times I ignore them.  I dream of not having to post things on my facebook page about gay rights. I dream of everyone getting along.  I was raised to treat everyone the same. So, when I see people being discrimminated against, it really bothers me.

When is enough enough?  How do we stand up for ourselves?  Are you silently angry?  Do you confront people?  I have learned, through my bad temper, that I have to walk away. I will write about it but not confront a person. If I confront them, I will probably get into some sort of trouble. I may write that person a letter- mailed or unmailed.  I may talk about it with someone.  I may let it fester inside of me. I try not to do the latter.

When is enough, enough?  When are we no longer strong enough to stand up for ourselves?  What do we do then? 

It's the little things that matter

Happy 2012!  I already wrote about last year, so let's say "out with the old and in with the new." I won't ignore 2011, not at all, but let's get into 2012. I've always said "it's the little things [in life] that matter."  I"m often told I'm childlike because I get so excited over little, simple, basic things. Is this a problem?  I'm blessed by so many things.  I say this often. But what does it mean??? 

BLESS
verb (used with object), blessed or blest, bless·ing.

1.

to consecrate or sanctify by a religious rite; make orpronounce holy.

2.

to request of God the bestowal of divine favor on: Bless thishouse.

3.

to bestow good of any kind upon: a nation blessed withpeace.

4.

to extol as holy; glorify: Bless the name of the Lord.

5.

to protect or guard from evil (usually used interjectionally):Bless you! Bless your innocent little heart!

How are we blessed?  By good health? A [good] job?  Family? Friends?  I think this is a very subjective  questions. What is important to me, may or may not be important to you.  We rank things differently and that is fine.  

I'm sick, but I'm blessed with the health that I do have. I'm blessed to have access to and receive the care that I'm getting. I'm fortunate to have had the insight to write to the Komen and Livestrong foundations about my situation and therefore received generous grants.  I'm unemployed with zero income and that, quite simply, sucks.  But, I'm blessed to be surrounded and supported by wonderful people. I'm blessed to have a bed to sleep in (for now!), food to eat, etc.  When I was employed, I hated that job and it made me very sick. In an odd way, I'm blessed to no longer be there because I'm healthier. (But I need a  job in a major way!)  My family and friends are my rocks.  My blood family may not be large, but it's solid.  I have great parents, a brother, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We may not see each other often, but we love each other. I hope to start seeing them more often.  I have Karen's family which is an added bonus that I'm still learning about.  My friends are my family. I may not have a lot of friends to hang out with (rather a small, core group I will NEVER give up.) But, I have amazing friends online. We've been friends for years. I wish we lived closer and could hang, but I won't be greedy. I often say and truly believe that friends can be better than family because you choose and are chosen by friends.  But, I won't give up my family, either.  

It's the little things that matter.  This is very true.  How do  you appreciate the little things?  I take photos of things that make me happy. I cook.  I love food. I love to make people happy with food. I love to hear a certain song. I love to recall the memory a certain song  brings to me/me to.  I love smells. If you know me, you know I LOVE the smell of cotton/laundry and grass. These simple things make me so happy.  

How do you show your appreciation for others? What do you do?  How do you say "thanks."  How do you reward a good deed? How do you cheer someone up?  Karen and I are 51 and 33 years old respectively and we each have a treat box. Most of the treats come from Dollar Tree or Targets Dollar Spot, but that makes it even better. We have simple things in there to make us smile. It can be candy, a craft supply, a toy, or whatever. We get to pick something out of our treat box when needed. Be it for a bad day, a happy day, a good deed, just because.  We write each other little notes and cards a lot. I give Karen a note in her lunch almost every day. Just to let her know she's loved, thought of and appreciated.  These are the things that are important. It takes me such a short period of time to write these notes for her. They are sincerely from my heart.  

By doing these things, am I too materialistic? I think not.  Yes, I love my gadgets, kitchen tools and such but I'm a pretty basic person.  I like to be surrounded by the people I love with the things we love.  We don't spend a lot of money at all. (We don't have the money to spend!)

Do people take their blessings for granted? We live in a society where complaining and venting is quite common. I do it myself.  But, when is enough enough?  I think venting is fine as long as you balance it with the positive. If all you do is complain, that is not healthy. I do think venting and complaining are two different things.  It's not healthy to keep things to yourself- you have to let them out, I know this.  Believe me, do I know this.  But I know that we can sound very ungrateful when all we do is vent and complain. Balance. It's all about balance as well. We have to look at the big picture and realize and acknowledge that no one or nothing is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist- it' s a figment of our imagination. It is what it is.  No matter how poor we are, we are alive. No matter how hard things are, we are alive. I do not want to be dead...I have never wanted to be dead.  

Count your blessings and be thankful for the small things. You never know when you will lose them. 

I know I was all over the place with this entry, but everything is on my mind, wanting to come out.

Oh, What a Year

Here it is, New Years Eve. A time to look back on the year that is ending and to look forward to the new year.  What was 2011 like for you?

For me, 2011 was a year of change.  I lost my job, a job I had been with for about 7 1/2 years. I job I hated more than anything. A job that made me physically and mentally ill. I kid you not, that job almost killed me. But, it was a job.  I'm unemployed. I've applied for job after job. I've had interview after interview. Sometimes I hear back and other times I don't. I'm either over or under qualified.  Ugh. Everytime I think I found something, it falls through.  It has been challenging, to say the least.

I was very sick up through May of this year. I was sick in bed, unable to eat. Unable to function. I lived in the shower- taking showers dozens of times a day.  I avoided people. I avoided friends and family. I started to push Karen away. I almost lost everything.

Then, something happened.  Before hit rock bottom (that happened around Easter), my dad told me, no- ordered me- to get help. My most amazing partner, Karen, went through the phone book and started looking for a new therapist for me.  See, I've been without insurance since July 2010. Sucks. Been turned down by government (federal, state and county) aid for unforeseen reasons (but was told if I had a child I'd be covered. nice.) So, I started calling therapists and asking if they work on a sliding scale, gave them a brief history of my past and my panic and anxiety and my history with therapists in the past.  I found one. She is amazing. She even met with my parents around the time I hit rock bottom.  I see her every week and she is a blessing. Once every 6 weeks or so, she also meets with Karen. To make sure we're on the same page and to get her input and to explain what I'm going through.  Life is slowly getting better.

Then, this fall, I found a small lump in my left breast.  Shit. Not again. (I've already fought cervical and uterine cancer).  So, I found a free clinic (not as easy as you think to find) and went. I had test after test, biopsy after biopsy, mammograms and sonograms. The result? Two small, pea sized tumors Stage I Breast Cancer.  Wow.  I started radiation four days a week right after Thanksgiving.  I put my job search on hold.  Then, I found another lump.  That came up clear.  Then, another lump.  This lump (lump #4) is Stage II Cancer.  So, I now have a stronger dose of radiation and will have about 4 weeks of radiation added on to my treatment. (Originally going about 6 weeks).  The exact dates won't be known until tests are done periodically.

BUT, I haven't been sick in bed since May. (Or was it April? I know April was HELL.) This was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I truly celebrated in about four years. I was able to give gifts the other years but not truly enjoy things. I was able to eat this year!  This was mine and Karen's third Christmas together and it was magical.  I'm looking forward to 2012 and enjoying my birthday for the first time in a long time!

You may be reading this and thinking "Damn, Steph has had a horrible year!"  While it's true, I've also been blessed. I have the most amazing family and friends. I may not have many actual, real life friends, but the ones I do are amazing. Seriously.  I don't measure them in quantity but in quality.  I have an amazing network of online friends who have stuck with me through the years. THANK YOU.  Yes, I want more people to hang out with in day-to-day life, but it will come in time.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I'm learning how to let things go. How to trust myself and others again. I'm learning about my spiritual side. I've started cooking again and am slowly getting back into my photography. I'm becoming a very crafty person.  I'm fighting my depression. I have an amazing therapist and a great psychiatrist who truly care about me. They aren't in it for the money- they want to help people. They are always available and want to help.  I am blessed.

My Karen. Where do I begin?  I will be honest and say I really do not know where I'd be without her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I thank God for her every day. I thank her every day.  It makes me so angry that I can't marry her. Yes, I can go to DC, but I should be able to do it anywhere I want. That's another blog, though.  I will be honest again- she almost left me when I was at my lowest.  Not because she didn't love me, but because I pushed her away so severely. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be near her, I didn't want to do anything, I barely spoke to her. I barely saw her (I was at my parents at the time full time.) I wasn't there so I don't know how it went down, but some friends told her to really think if she wanted to be with me.  Maybe I wasn't the person for her. Only she would be able to answer that. Guess what?  She chose to fight on. She chose to stand by me.  I am blessed. To be fair, I've been there for her, as well. This isn't all "me, me me."  She's been through a lot, as well. Do I get scared and think she will leave me? Yes.  But, I'm getting much better. I'm glad she told me because we truly tell each other everything.

So, that's my year in review. I guess it sounds depressing. But, it's not. I had a good year. My relationship with Karen is the best ever. Things are super tough with me being sick and not working with no money coming in. We don't know where we are going to live. But, we have each other. We have good families and friends. We have God. Don't laugh- I'm getting into God. I've always believed, but I'm learning about the Bible and getting it.

Okay, ramble over.  Peace and joy to all of my friends in the new year. I love you all!

Merry Christmas!

I haven't posted anything in a long time. I've been busy getting ready for and enjoying Christmas. Oh what a Christmas it has been. Yes, I'm unemployed. Yes, I'm fighting cancer. BUT this was the best Christmas maybe ever!  The last few years I've been sick in bed for a week or more at a time at least once a year. It hasn't happened since April 2011.  I'm on the comeback.  I have an amazing family behind me. My friends (in real life and online) are amazing. I have the most amazing partner in the world. Seriously, Karen is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I've bought presents, baked, cooked, decorated, looked at Christmas lights and train displays, visited friends and family and have  just been busy. Radiation is wiping me out and I'm trying to take it easy, but that's hard to do.

I hope everyone is allowing themselves to take time for theirselves.  While we've been crazy busy, some of the busy time has been time for US. We have two families to spend time with plus extended families and friends. We made time yesterday between visits to take time for US and just relax and chill for a short time. It's important that we stay connected. Without each other, we would be lost. If I didn't have Karen, I don't know where I'd be.  She's been by my side through so much and I truly thank God for her every day...many times throughout.

Tradition, Tradition!

Definition of TRADITION

1

a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom)b : a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable

2

: the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction

3

: cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions

4

: characteristic manner, method, or style <in the best liberaltradition>

— tra·di·tion·al adjective

— tra·di·tion·al·ly adverb

— tra·di·tion·less adjective

What is a tradition?  Are traditions important to you?  Do you make up your own traditions? What are some of  your traditions?

I'm all about traditions. They make me feel comforted, safe and all around, good!  I have different traditions for various times of the year, but Christmas brings out most of my traditions.  I like to have control over things and the traditions give me that control.

Some of my traditions are from my family and some are traditions that Karen and I are coming up with on our own.

Some of my/our Christmas traditions:

Advent wreath:  I grew up in an active church and the Advent wreath was very important. Each Sunday, a different family did the readings and lit the new candle. We went home and had our own personal wreath for our family.  This year, Karen and I made our own Advent wreath and are doing nightly readings. It's calming to me. We put it together for about $5 which was very pleasing.  I'm not normally a liturgical person, but I'm really enjoying reading the Bible every day for this.  Perhaps it will continue. Here's a picture of our Advent wreath:

Nativity: Karen and I have started collecting nativity sets.   I don't know what it is about them, but we both love them.  We have purchased some, been given some and made some.  We just painted our own set but haven't gotten photos of it yet.  So far, my favorite nativity is this one...

Ornaments: I think most people have a tradition of collecting a special ornament each year. My Aunt Rob (also my Godmother) used to get me an ornament every year. It stopped for a while but Karen and I have started it back up. Sometimes it's dated and other times it's not.  Sometimes they're homemade and other times they're store bought.  They almost always have something to do with a hobby of one of us, come from a special place or sometimes they are just something we like!  This year I'm making some special ornaments to send to good friends.

Movies:  I started to watch the movie Elf a few years ago on Christmas Eve. I love it!  My dad has even been known to jump in and watch.  There are many other movies we watch, including a Christmas Story since TBS has the 24 hour marathon every Christmas.

the Nutcracker: My dad is a Nutcracker fanatic.  His favorite is the American Ballet Theater (pretty sure that's it) version.   Good stuff. He found a marathon on the cable channel Ovation a few years ago and watched it all day long on Christmas Day. I don't think I've ever seen the Nutcracker performed live, though. Some day when we have money I will.

I grew up attending Christmas Eve church services. We had a 5pm family service, a 7pm and 9pm and then an 11pm candlelight service. My favorites were 5pm and 11pm. It was a big deal if you were tapped to serve on the altar during the candlelight service.  The 5pm service was a flurry of activity with lots of loud children. The childrens vocal and hand bell choirs would both perform and I was a member of both.  We had a brass ensemble and an adult choir.  The kids (myself included) would sometimes play our instrument as well. I would play the piano  and we had trumpeters, flutists, violinists and more. It was a great time!

This year, Karen and I have been given the task of getting our congregation to decorate the Jesse Tree at church. We can't do it until December 18, but it's better late than never, right?  We are quite excited about this larger scale craft project!  We plan to do most of the work beforehand, so people simple have to glitter or color their ornaments.  Yay!

I guess my traditions don't really have meaning, but they bring people together and make me feel good. Maybe I'm selfish but that's important to me. I usually have a hard time this time of year.  I think a lot and get depressed. This helps that not to happen.

Fiddler On The Roof - Tradition [With Lyrics]