Just another manic Monday

queue the Bangles...

Today isn't a bad day, per say. I just  had a hard time getting out of bed.  I normally pop right up but the last few days have been difficult. That worries me- is my Seasonal Affective Disorder starting to kick my butt again?  I use my special lights and take my D3. Am I just tired?  Is the radiation finally caught up with me?  Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Probably a combination of all of those things! 

I'm working very hard to not over think things.  If you know me, you know I analyze everything. I can't take things for face value. I think everything said has a deeper meaning.  I'm getting much better.  I over think what people think of me and my actions. I feel like I'm being judged.  I don't think the important people in my life truly judge me, but when I'm in one of my moods, I sort of do. Does that make sense?  For example: I made a loaf of my banana nut bread today for a friend of mine.  Everyone raves about how good it is. This will be the first time she's tasted anything I've made.  I forgot to add the vanilla to the recipe.  I had a mini freak out!  Friends grounded me and reiterated that it's not a big deal. I didn't leave out baking soda or powder. BUT, I want to put my best foot forward and show my friend that I'm a good baker.  Will she care that it's missing the vanilla? No.  Will she even notice?  Probably not. I will still tell her, though. Lol.  I am my own worst enemy.

This is a difficult week for me.  Thursday is an anniversary of a very bad thing that happened to me. Someone negatively changed my life forever.  Seriously ruined my life in many ways. BUT, I'm also a stronger person because of what happened. The incident almost killed me in a few different ways but I'm still here...fighting on. I've met some amazing people because of the incident.  I met Karen because of it and for that I am blessed.  We had a discussion a week or so ago about how if it wouldn't have happened, we probably wouldn't have met. See, Karen and I met at a Mental Health support group.  It's open to the public and a pretty informal group of people. I was there due to my severe anxiety and panic and she was there for her depression and bipolar disorder/disease.  Most of my anxiety stemmed from the incident. Either directly or indirectly.  I'm not glad the incident happened, but I'm glad I went to that support group.  It's kind of fitting and good that we have support group this Wednesday. I get to talk about my feelings if I want to and need to. 

Dad and I are spending the day together Thursday by attending the car show in Harrisburg, PA.  We missed last year because I was either sick or working or maybe both.  We love the car show!  Mom and Karen will spend time together by making my Valentine's Day card and going out to eat.  A special day all around! 

I'm proud of Karen. She's supposed to start back up with her water aerobics this week.  We are committed to losing 20 pounds (at least) by July.  She met with a new cardiologist and that's what he wants. Should be doable.  I do almost all of our cooking and am responsible about what I cook. I don't fry things and we hate salt. When we first got together, Karen used some salt but now the only salt we add is on popcorn and that's only a little.  We don't eat many canned foods and we watch out sodium in other foods.  I need to stop snacking. You know I'm a junk food fiend. Karen and I can do this together. My mom and dad are fully behind us as well. I think the four of us will start cutting back on our serving sizes. 

Okay, I've rambled enough. Please be with me this difficult week.  I know I'm being cryptic, but, believe it or not, I don't air all of my dirty laundry on here.  Some people know what I'm talking about.  If you don't, just know that I need all of the support I can get to get through this week.  I know Thursday is just a day but it is a day that forever changed me. 

Life is good.

A brilliant revelation

Revelation: noun

1.

the act of revealing or disclosing; disclosure.

2.

something revealed or disclosed, especially a strikingdisclosure, as of something not before realized.

3.

Theology .

a.

God's disclosure of Himself and His will to His creatures.

b.

an instance of such communication or disclosure.

c.

something thus communicated or disclosed.

d.

something that contains such disclosure, as the Bible.

Epiphany: noun, plural -nies.

1.

( initial capital letter ) a Christian festival, observed onJanuary 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to thegentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.

2.

an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.

3.

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality oressential meaning of something, usually initiated by somesimple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

4.

a literary work or section of a work presenting, usuallysymbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.

This is the second week after Epiphany at church.  I'm really enjoying learning about what everything means. I listen to my priest (Father Shawn) at church and have started taking notes.  My sermon notes often blend into a blog.  

What revelations have you had?  My biggie is that it's important to be happy and grounded. Someone is always going to have something you don't have and you want. You can't have it due to money or because you just aren't meant to have it. Don't be jealous.  Good will follow you when you're happy and grounded. Be happy with what you have.  

It sounds cheesy, but it really isn't. Life is good.  It's one of my favorite companies. I try to remind myself of that every day.  Multiple times a day. I'm not going to go all holy-roller on you, but God knows what is going on. If you don't believe in God, someone or something knows what is going on.  I'm not sure that there's a master plan for us but everything happens for a reason. That reason may not be known for a very long time, or ever, but I think it's true.  I have cancer and am unemployed, but my life is good. I make sure to surround myself with good people.  I mean this in terms of friends. I've learned my lesson on friends.  It's very important that it's all about QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY of friends. I have a core group of 'real life' friends (I'll get into that in a minute) that mean the world to me.  We may not hang out all of the time, but they're there for me and I'm there for them.  Simple as that.  When I need them for a laugh, a cry, for whatever, we're there for each other.  

I have an amazing source of online friends, spread out all over the country.  I don't think it's creepy or odd.  We came together through similar interests or due to friends and our friendships have grown from there.  We've shared gift exchanges, cards, cookie exchanges and random hellos.  I've had a friend visit me in the hospital when 'real life' friends turned their backs on me. Guess what? Those 'real life' friends are no longer my friends!

Facebook connects us like never before. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. We all know that I share a lot on Facebook. That's how I am.  It makes communication so much easier. I still use written communication, though.  Who doesn't love receiving mail?  I love making cards and I get great joy from it. 

Another revelation I've had is to not judge others. We all  have our own priorities. Don't judge someone based on their priorities.  The only time I would support that is if their priorities are hindering or hurting you.

Life is indeed good.  At church, we here every Sunday that "God is good. God is good, all the time."  I think God is good. We may not always think so (why do I have cancer?) but life is precious.  Don't let it pass  you by.

Thanks

I'm not sure how this is going to come out, but here goes. 

I'm big on thanking people and being thanked. I think it's common courtesy to genuinely thank someone when they do something for you or give you something. It's a way to show you are appreciative of their deed. I was raised that it's the right thing to do and you do it out of respect. It's not difficult nor time consuming to write a simple thank you note.  Heck, get a pack from the Dollar Tree and keep them on hand. If that's not your style, send an email or facebook message. Yes, that's better than nothing and it shows you care. I'm being serious.  We send thank you notes a lot. Not for every Christmas present, but we try to do it for some and all of our birthday presents and other occasions.  

As most of you know, my Karen has been sick with a bad case of bronchitis.  I've been her "nurse" taking care of her as best as I can. Giving her medicine, making her comfortable, taking her to the doctor, giving her space, feeding her, etc.  I haven't gone out of my way to do anything.  Anyway, it's what I do. It's what a partner does. It's what a friend does. It's what a person does for another person.  Yes, she has taken the energy and time out to thank me, when she can barely speak.  I thank her for thanking me but tell her there's no reason for her to thank me.  

Didn't I just say that I'm big on thank yous? When do you need to thank someone? Why do we thank someone?

Do we do things for people just to be thanked?  I'd like to hope that isn't the case, but I'm not sure.

Don't get me wrong- I give gifts to people knowing I won't receive a thank you in return. It doesn't always have to be written- a verbal thank you goes a long way in my book.  But when you get nothing, especially when giving a gift, that really irks me.  

I think I have a set of rules for my loved ones (family and friends) and then a set of rules for "the others." Are you like this?  Do you thank people?

When is enough, enough?

I know several people,  myself included, who are going through hard times right now.  When is enough, enough?  How do you deal with hard times? When do you suck it up and keep telling yourself that others have it worse than you do? When do you give up? Do you ever give up?  Can things really get worse?  How do you react and deal with other people offering advise on your situation?  Are they truly being helpful or are they just being nosy and judgemental?

I have been supported by many many people during my illness and unemployment.  BUT, it does get "old" when people think they're offering help by drilling me about my job hunt.  Job hunting is a full time job. Sometimes I do it online, sometimes I search the paper and sometimes I pound the pavement. I've applied at every kind of job imaginable.  Fast food tells me I'm over qualified and will waste their money by going through the training, working a little bit and quitting when I find a better job.  Office type work tells me I'm not qualified at all. I ask how to gain experience and they can't give me an answer. Retail tells me they're only hiring seasonally and they'll interview me and lead me on and then disappear.

I put a hold on my job hunt while I'm going through radiation. I do have two possible leads, but the one (my dream job) is only temporary.  We will see.  That would be an awesome job. But, it's very short...as in one month or so.  BUT, maybe, just maybe, it could and would leave to a permanent job. It's with the county government and I don't think it's likely because we all know of the budget cuts and hiring freezes.  But, a girl can dream, right?

If I didn't dream, I'd have nothing. Seriously. I keep it realistic but I do dream. I dream of marrying my fiancee wherever we want to get married and not having to go to a different state (heck, DC isn't even a state!) to do it.  I dream of finding a job. Yes, any job. But really a job that I enjoy and that fulfills me. I dream of not being sick. I dream of being able to walk down the street or in the mall or in the grocery store, holding my fiancee's hand without people looking at us. Sometimes the looks really get to me, other times I ignore them.  I dream of not having to post things on my facebook page about gay rights. I dream of everyone getting along.  I was raised to treat everyone the same. So, when I see people being discrimminated against, it really bothers me.

When is enough enough?  How do we stand up for ourselves?  Are you silently angry?  Do you confront people?  I have learned, through my bad temper, that I have to walk away. I will write about it but not confront a person. If I confront them, I will probably get into some sort of trouble. I may write that person a letter- mailed or unmailed.  I may talk about it with someone.  I may let it fester inside of me. I try not to do the latter.

When is enough, enough?  When are we no longer strong enough to stand up for ourselves?  What do we do then? 

It's the little things that matter

Happy 2012!  I already wrote about last year, so let's say "out with the old and in with the new." I won't ignore 2011, not at all, but let's get into 2012. I've always said "it's the little things [in life] that matter."  I"m often told I'm childlike because I get so excited over little, simple, basic things. Is this a problem?  I'm blessed by so many things.  I say this often. But what does it mean??? 

BLESS
verb (used with object), blessed or blest, bless·ing.

1.

to consecrate or sanctify by a religious rite; make orpronounce holy.

2.

to request of God the bestowal of divine favor on: Bless thishouse.

3.

to bestow good of any kind upon: a nation blessed withpeace.

4.

to extol as holy; glorify: Bless the name of the Lord.

5.

to protect or guard from evil (usually used interjectionally):Bless you! Bless your innocent little heart!

How are we blessed?  By good health? A [good] job?  Family? Friends?  I think this is a very subjective  questions. What is important to me, may or may not be important to you.  We rank things differently and that is fine.  

I'm sick, but I'm blessed with the health that I do have. I'm blessed to have access to and receive the care that I'm getting. I'm fortunate to have had the insight to write to the Komen and Livestrong foundations about my situation and therefore received generous grants.  I'm unemployed with zero income and that, quite simply, sucks.  But, I'm blessed to be surrounded and supported by wonderful people. I'm blessed to have a bed to sleep in (for now!), food to eat, etc.  When I was employed, I hated that job and it made me very sick. In an odd way, I'm blessed to no longer be there because I'm healthier. (But I need a  job in a major way!)  My family and friends are my rocks.  My blood family may not be large, but it's solid.  I have great parents, a brother, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We may not see each other often, but we love each other. I hope to start seeing them more often.  I have Karen's family which is an added bonus that I'm still learning about.  My friends are my family. I may not have a lot of friends to hang out with (rather a small, core group I will NEVER give up.) But, I have amazing friends online. We've been friends for years. I wish we lived closer and could hang, but I won't be greedy. I often say and truly believe that friends can be better than family because you choose and are chosen by friends.  But, I won't give up my family, either.  

It's the little things that matter.  This is very true.  How do  you appreciate the little things?  I take photos of things that make me happy. I cook.  I love food. I love to make people happy with food. I love to hear a certain song. I love to recall the memory a certain song  brings to me/me to.  I love smells. If you know me, you know I LOVE the smell of cotton/laundry and grass. These simple things make me so happy.  

How do you show your appreciation for others? What do you do?  How do you say "thanks."  How do you reward a good deed? How do you cheer someone up?  Karen and I are 51 and 33 years old respectively and we each have a treat box. Most of the treats come from Dollar Tree or Targets Dollar Spot, but that makes it even better. We have simple things in there to make us smile. It can be candy, a craft supply, a toy, or whatever. We get to pick something out of our treat box when needed. Be it for a bad day, a happy day, a good deed, just because.  We write each other little notes and cards a lot. I give Karen a note in her lunch almost every day. Just to let her know she's loved, thought of and appreciated.  These are the things that are important. It takes me such a short period of time to write these notes for her. They are sincerely from my heart.  

By doing these things, am I too materialistic? I think not.  Yes, I love my gadgets, kitchen tools and such but I'm a pretty basic person.  I like to be surrounded by the people I love with the things we love.  We don't spend a lot of money at all. (We don't have the money to spend!)

Do people take their blessings for granted? We live in a society where complaining and venting is quite common. I do it myself.  But, when is enough enough?  I think venting is fine as long as you balance it with the positive. If all you do is complain, that is not healthy. I do think venting and complaining are two different things.  It's not healthy to keep things to yourself- you have to let them out, I know this.  Believe me, do I know this.  But I know that we can sound very ungrateful when all we do is vent and complain. Balance. It's all about balance as well. We have to look at the big picture and realize and acknowledge that no one or nothing is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist- it' s a figment of our imagination. It is what it is.  No matter how poor we are, we are alive. No matter how hard things are, we are alive. I do not want to be dead...I have never wanted to be dead.  

Count your blessings and be thankful for the small things. You never know when you will lose them. 

I know I was all over the place with this entry, but everything is on my mind, wanting to come out.

Oh, What a Year

Here it is, New Years Eve. A time to look back on the year that is ending and to look forward to the new year.  What was 2011 like for you?

For me, 2011 was a year of change.  I lost my job, a job I had been with for about 7 1/2 years. I job I hated more than anything. A job that made me physically and mentally ill. I kid you not, that job almost killed me. But, it was a job.  I'm unemployed. I've applied for job after job. I've had interview after interview. Sometimes I hear back and other times I don't. I'm either over or under qualified.  Ugh. Everytime I think I found something, it falls through.  It has been challenging, to say the least.

I was very sick up through May of this year. I was sick in bed, unable to eat. Unable to function. I lived in the shower- taking showers dozens of times a day.  I avoided people. I avoided friends and family. I started to push Karen away. I almost lost everything.

Then, something happened.  Before hit rock bottom (that happened around Easter), my dad told me, no- ordered me- to get help. My most amazing partner, Karen, went through the phone book and started looking for a new therapist for me.  See, I've been without insurance since July 2010. Sucks. Been turned down by government (federal, state and county) aid for unforeseen reasons (but was told if I had a child I'd be covered. nice.) So, I started calling therapists and asking if they work on a sliding scale, gave them a brief history of my past and my panic and anxiety and my history with therapists in the past.  I found one. She is amazing. She even met with my parents around the time I hit rock bottom.  I see her every week and she is a blessing. Once every 6 weeks or so, she also meets with Karen. To make sure we're on the same page and to get her input and to explain what I'm going through.  Life is slowly getting better.

Then, this fall, I found a small lump in my left breast.  Shit. Not again. (I've already fought cervical and uterine cancer).  So, I found a free clinic (not as easy as you think to find) and went. I had test after test, biopsy after biopsy, mammograms and sonograms. The result? Two small, pea sized tumors Stage I Breast Cancer.  Wow.  I started radiation four days a week right after Thanksgiving.  I put my job search on hold.  Then, I found another lump.  That came up clear.  Then, another lump.  This lump (lump #4) is Stage II Cancer.  So, I now have a stronger dose of radiation and will have about 4 weeks of radiation added on to my treatment. (Originally going about 6 weeks).  The exact dates won't be known until tests are done periodically.

BUT, I haven't been sick in bed since May. (Or was it April? I know April was HELL.) This was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I truly celebrated in about four years. I was able to give gifts the other years but not truly enjoy things. I was able to eat this year!  This was mine and Karen's third Christmas together and it was magical.  I'm looking forward to 2012 and enjoying my birthday for the first time in a long time!

You may be reading this and thinking "Damn, Steph has had a horrible year!"  While it's true, I've also been blessed. I have the most amazing family and friends. I may not have many actual, real life friends, but the ones I do are amazing. Seriously.  I don't measure them in quantity but in quality.  I have an amazing network of online friends who have stuck with me through the years. THANK YOU.  Yes, I want more people to hang out with in day-to-day life, but it will come in time.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I'm learning how to let things go. How to trust myself and others again. I'm learning about my spiritual side. I've started cooking again and am slowly getting back into my photography. I'm becoming a very crafty person.  I'm fighting my depression. I have an amazing therapist and a great psychiatrist who truly care about me. They aren't in it for the money- they want to help people. They are always available and want to help.  I am blessed.

My Karen. Where do I begin?  I will be honest and say I really do not know where I'd be without her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I thank God for her every day. I thank her every day.  It makes me so angry that I can't marry her. Yes, I can go to DC, but I should be able to do it anywhere I want. That's another blog, though.  I will be honest again- she almost left me when I was at my lowest.  Not because she didn't love me, but because I pushed her away so severely. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be near her, I didn't want to do anything, I barely spoke to her. I barely saw her (I was at my parents at the time full time.) I wasn't there so I don't know how it went down, but some friends told her to really think if she wanted to be with me.  Maybe I wasn't the person for her. Only she would be able to answer that. Guess what?  She chose to fight on. She chose to stand by me.  I am blessed. To be fair, I've been there for her, as well. This isn't all "me, me me."  She's been through a lot, as well. Do I get scared and think she will leave me? Yes.  But, I'm getting much better. I'm glad she told me because we truly tell each other everything.

So, that's my year in review. I guess it sounds depressing. But, it's not. I had a good year. My relationship with Karen is the best ever. Things are super tough with me being sick and not working with no money coming in. We don't know where we are going to live. But, we have each other. We have good families and friends. We have God. Don't laugh- I'm getting into God. I've always believed, but I'm learning about the Bible and getting it.

Okay, ramble over.  Peace and joy to all of my friends in the new year. I love you all!

Merry Christmas!

I haven't posted anything in a long time. I've been busy getting ready for and enjoying Christmas. Oh what a Christmas it has been. Yes, I'm unemployed. Yes, I'm fighting cancer. BUT this was the best Christmas maybe ever!  The last few years I've been sick in bed for a week or more at a time at least once a year. It hasn't happened since April 2011.  I'm on the comeback.  I have an amazing family behind me. My friends (in real life and online) are amazing. I have the most amazing partner in the world. Seriously, Karen is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I've bought presents, baked, cooked, decorated, looked at Christmas lights and train displays, visited friends and family and have  just been busy. Radiation is wiping me out and I'm trying to take it easy, but that's hard to do.

I hope everyone is allowing themselves to take time for theirselves.  While we've been crazy busy, some of the busy time has been time for US. We have two families to spend time with plus extended families and friends. We made time yesterday between visits to take time for US and just relax and chill for a short time. It's important that we stay connected. Without each other, we would be lost. If I didn't have Karen, I don't know where I'd be.  She's been by my side through so much and I truly thank God for her every day...many times throughout.